the harlequin speaks in silence.

faith in humanity - partially restored.

2012-02-12T13:36:00.004+08:00

here are the values i stand for:
i stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated, and helping those in need. to me those are traditional values.

[additional search on youtube: ABC's What Would You Do?]

the flying (wo)man.

2012-02-06T21:17:00.000+08:00

i don't know why

but i'm reminded of what someone used to say

that regardless of what happened before and after

the moment captured will be the only thing that we remember

a very, very, very long time after.

i think i'm a childish depressed donkey disguised as a very optimistic bear.

[kindly forgive the amateurism shown in the photoshoots. ]

additional caption needed.

2012-02-05T23:11:00.000+08:00

so i'm adding an excerpt from a poem.

there were doorknobs and doorbells

where one hand had covered another beforehand

suitcases checked and standing side by side

one night, perhaps,the same dream

grown hazy in the morning

[love at first sight]

year of the dragon. partTHREE

2012-02-02T22:07:00.000+08:00

here be a compilation of photos that hints on what happened on

the third day i was able to celebrate Chinese New Year

without the people.

the one and only lou sang of the year. that's the first.

[and because the sun shines and the moon reflects its' light--here is another a smiley : )]

to drinking shots and eating chips.

from love stories to scandalous affairs.

of things i can be certain and those several that i forever doubt.

of who i am and what i believe.

[they say people who are No.5 in the enneagram test are usually observers of life.]

75mins till the end.

2012-02-01T16:11:00.002+08:00

and feeling the need to escape.

i'm running insane.

[rawr]

she said.

2012-01-31T08:09:00.002+08:00

simply because it's the norm doesn't mean that it's right.
and simply because something is worth crying for doesn't mean that you should.

[so here's a smiley. : )]

you will force your way through the havoc and survive a winner
stronger than before

hello dreamer.

2012-01-25T13:01:00.001+08:00

[ and here's a smiley because i think i need one :) ]

[and one for you too :) together with a chubby bear hug.]

year of the dragon. partTWO

2012-01-24T13:07:00.000+08:00

so after one day of home-cooked food, everyone was kinda bored.

and soh. the tapao begun.

first came the ding dong and then the shadow hand fists.

then kitaorang makan.

and an inside joke.

[signing off with another smiley :)]

year of the dragon. partONE

2012-01-23T22:43:00.000+08:00

so me and two secondary school friends came out to mamak on Chinese New Year eve and got slightly depressed about not having enough food to feed ourselves and no activities to fill in long long time before sleep.

and before manic depression hit us, the following happened.

nah.joking.

but the snapshots make pretty decent comic strips tho.wgeeee.

and what we end up doing there.

LMAOROFL.

and the following is a pikcah of a chubby someone who is sincerely learning how to camwhore and still look not-so-chubby.

oh phail kaw kaw.

[signing off with a smiley :) ]

roller coaster :)

2012-01-19T22:48:00.002+08:00

and sometimes when i feel like the ground is near, i shut everything out and pretend it's alright.

然後就笑吧 : )

[summertime.]

to give, and to take.

2012-01-02T15:37:00.000+08:00

萬箭穿心

痛不欲生

之

未死

請賜我正面能量應對

homm

*動感超人pose.噢耶*

[2012世界末日入門篇]

letter to the north pole.

2011-12-25T03:21:00.001+08:00

i desperately need to get this right
so please help me be

i need an everlasting surge of courage
to be that idiot
who keeps falling for her
over and over again
until my time is up

because
i don't know how to be that person who isn't

[hello. my name is stubborn. :p]
[and i miss you.]

2011-12-19T02:39:00.000+08:00

不如就這麼說吧。

縱使哪天我死了，也不關你的事。

我們是這麼一樣的朋友關係。

[ : ) ]

#14.

2011-12-14T00:47:00.001+08:00

i think it was last night i felt the fear creeping back
from my toenails it sneaked its way up
starting from a gentle spark
gradually growing
feeding on the ambiguity there is in between
unstable internet connections
and cities

so i ended up calling you by name like everyone else
frequently repeating
again and again
despite having too long associating this name
with another pronoun
that i would prefer

given
then
taken back

stolen

a hollowness residing the place what used to be

and it keeps crumbling down
a fortress made of lego losing its pillars
then bricks
piece by piece
snuck out by the night guard
sworn to protect the fortress walls

returning it back to square one

i don't know
what to hold on to when
you
are the uncertainty that i'm so certain of

its like
being afraid of losing
when there is already nothing else

to be lost

2011-12-09T03:21:00.001+08:00

so.

did God die yesterday and gave you the right to discriminate against other humans?

[bugger.]

today.

2011-12-07T18:03:00.001+08:00

knowing the news doesn't make me any more or less happier than i was before.

or sadder.

or anxious.

something la.

#6

2011-12-06T02:42:00.001+08:00

there is this moment when the voices overlap upon one another
so perfectly
and you realized you've done it right

the moment you feel that lighting running down your veins
reaching your fingertips
your eyes swelling
tears
overwhelmed

every bit of your consciousness interlinking with
those trying to interact with your senses

a moment where insecurity
is forgotten

a moment
where every stroke on the keyboard
and time spent in front of the monitor
brought to live meaning

and you know this discovery is worth it.

[call me a girl. stereotype me.
but know that i feel my material.
every bit of that screams human. not my gender.]

post 72hrs.

2011-11-28T21:41:00.001+08:00

"I kept imagining you in formal you know."

my first sentence to the wonderful person in green.

[i wonder what is it i am doing myself. ]

[dear Lord, give her strength and all that is needed to make through.

and help her regain faith in us humans who would never cease to repeatedly fail each other. Amen.]

dear j.

2011-11-22T05:10:00.001+08:00

all those unsaid
begone with the wind

to you whom i hold dear
i plea forgiveness
for having to do this with my bare hands

promise me present
that you'll meet me in the future
and keep me company in the linear years that move along
for i cannot imagine one without you in

till whenever we meet again
take care

sayang you always :)

2011-11-13T13:44:00.001+08:00

[1.44pm]

oxytoxin levels hitting a new low.

run run run
watch me disappear

: )

Bismillah.

2011-10-31T16:57:00.002+08:00

"It's about giving. Giving, in a world where all everyone wants to do is take, take, take. Giving, in a world where greed is encouraged, and conquest is celebrated.

When money, property, and even life itself are gone, there is only love left. On our deathbeds, we will not worry about the house or car we didn't buy, or the business opportunities we missed out on... instead we will cry over the love we never gave.

Yasmin Ahmad

話說無題在英文叫untitled.

2011-10-24T01:30:00.000+08:00

近一小時的胡思亂想之後我在想我是不是應該不該想那麼多.

[哦.他媽的 :)]

you will not be the chain that bound my wings.

2011-10-23T21:29:00.001+08:00

The door opened.

The dark figure stepped on board.

"Where to?"

"Somewhere just before the end would do fine. Thank you."

The figure turned facing other passengers. All seats taken.

It opted for the second choice. To sit on the spot it stood previously.

eighty five.

one

An enormous gap of silence filled the air.

Two phone calls answered abruptly.

It kept it's head low. The pain was intense. Bearable still.

ninety.

two

"A seat behind there."

The figure nodded and walked towards the direction.

It passed two passengers whom it thought caught a glimpse.

The lady sitting beside it definitely saw.

Inhale. Exhale.

Breathe normal.

one hundred and six.

three

four

"Your stop?"

The dark figure stood up.

"Yes. Thank you."

It smiled at the driver. Eyes red.

It stepped off.

Breathe normal. Inhale. Exhale.

And it stopped counting.

Number of times that disturbing thought entered its mind.

Time it waited before it took leave.

Time it was still hoping.

[in exchange for clarity, i give you my patience and compassion.]

[five]

[this is my long.awaited.exit.and i'm finally shutting you out.youmotherfuckingsonofabitch.]

After______________, I picked up cafe triste and started reading.

My 3rd copy of a same book. 4th or 5th time reading. Skipping chapters. Skipping pages. I tried reading aloud.

I be the type who seeks refuge in the wisdom of others.

I've never told you this.

I couldn't quite bring myself to talk about __________________despite writing so much about it.

There is something lacking in my voice that couldn't quite bring itself to convey emotions.

[i'm learning to trust people i know from scratch.]

hot and cold.

2011-10-11T20:12:00.001+08:00

numbness.

yet there is still this tingling pain whenever i try to move them.

i shouldn't have wondered why they weren't able to write like she could

given the ability to reason more.

they gave it up.

for the life in the city.

simple as that.

2011-09-27T11:31:00.003+08:00

我該用什麼振作

當全身的力氣使盡

殘餘在身邊的竟是一片

荒蕪

pikcah from the 16th floor.

2011-09-17T01:11:00.001+08:00

Nyx says:

coz baby you're a firework

gotta show them what you're worth

make them go oh oh oh

[and i burst forth from someone's boobs]

o..O

月亮圓。

2011-09-16T19:31:00.000+08:00

before modern society swallow us whole

we hide in its shadows

waiting

走跟著月亮我們慢慢走

( :

food post #2 tanpa orang yang memakannyer.

2011-09-16T18:15:00.000+08:00

[good korean food.]

#25

2011-09-13T05:47:00.001+08:00

why does the sadness

subtle

in your words

despair me so much

that i was but too glad

to swing

the axe at my own direction

shattering

my own being

beyond identification

to prove

that

there is nothing beyond repair

[如果在世界上的頹廢，可以換來對自己的負責，那我寧愿對自己負責。]

關於愛情。

2011-09-13T05:38:00.000+08:00

not even the finest crystal
can be more transparent when i look into his eyes

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=150265011728807

[word of the day - demisexual]
[website of the day - http://www.asexuality.org/ ]

Haruki Murakami

2011-09-10T00:40:00.002+08:00

very much tempted to read the book after having listened to this.

原來我沒有讀過村上春樹的書。

[親愛的潘，我是溫迪。你在哪裡？]

[playing 2 clip with mika's any other world. they go together. in a very awkward manner.]

#8 turned 90 degrees forms a loop that would never end.

2011-09-09T17:06:00.000+08:00

in science fiction, there is this grandfather paradox

where

an individual went back in time and killed his own grandfather prior to meeting his grandmother

which

results in the termination of his own existence

implying

his going back in time would never have been possible at all in the first place.

of hypotheses that have been postulated in argument for the possibility of time travel

one mentioned that past events having been occurred can never be reversed

as such

those who experience time travel

by choosing to do so

and altering previous known events

opened another door to a substitute realm

a parallel universe

where life

as known to the individual

may be nothing more than literature content

-------------------------------

we put the words

may be. may have been. might. should. probably. if.

in use

too often

-------------------------------

what be your choice of the following lines?

"Maybe. You know. Just maybe. That there's this parallel universe where we're just happy, being together."

"Maybe there is this one parallel universe, where you existed before me. Then we would never have met...and all these, things. They would have never happened. And you. You would never be part of my regrets."

"Maybe in one of those parallel universes out there, you chose to walk pass me in that gallery. I smiled. You nodded. And you asked me if you've seen me somewhere else. Casually. Then I would ponder for a moment and recall you always sitting in the back row of the lecture hall. And then you nodded. And remembered me that way. We would still have the common friends, occasionally we would chat, and hang out with the same people. You would consider that a happy ending no?"

----------------------------------

[ One can only experience that much amount of free falling. 我的心臟承受不住啊。]

[dear daemon, please be with me a little while longer. this is still within my limits.]

-----------------------------------

[ so i smiled and try to mean it :) ]

cin(t)a

2011-09-08T21:34:00.001+08:00

他們靦腆

肩對肩

男孩說

"my life is not about me."

於是雙雙放手

: )

[我真的在語無倫次]

[we are the generation who gets philosophy in a movie.]

Its so dark in here, no I cant see alight

Take all the fires on me

Its all my desire..but you just surrender

Take all the pain in your dreams

Langkahku terpejam, titik ku berada

Perlahan arahku memudar

Semu bayangku, cermin tak berujar

Kemana arahku berjalan

SemuaTertuju pada bayangku

SaatKau renggut nafas jiwaku

Biaskan angkuh diriku

there's a fire burning in my heart.

2011-08-27T23:54:00.000+08:00

2708112320

patience

if i can take

all the inspiration

this heartbreak gives

and pour it out into words

and song

or images

or movements

i wish i could hold it all within

and give you another gloomy sunday

#23

2011-08-19T16:26:00.000+08:00

and so

more of coincidence than fate

they made a unanimous decision to kill themselves at the end of the century.

[running insane.i am.]

gambar-gambar makanan dan sebiji hantu berpakaian putih.

2011-08-19T11:45:00.002+08:00

these are food.

this is the gambar of sebiji hantu berpakaian putih.

一把眼淚一把鼻涕說：

“我要減肥”

special appearance.

the hand.

and

this is the end of this post.

[/]

ou.

2011-08-15T03:15:00.001+08:00

somebarry come kill mee now.

i held my hands out.

2011-08-14T20:39:00.000+08:00

and i could only catch the wind.

the soulless creature within me was lurking, somewhere.
perhaps just around the corner, ready to ambush on cue.

i'm afraid of being wrong.
then sooner or later i'd lose.

and everything else eventually a part of history.

"i honestly don't (fucking) have a clue."

[Every choice leads to another, and another after that. You can only make a decision based on what you know now.]
[Making a decision isn't about knowing every potential consequence. It's about knowing what you want and choosing a path that takes you in that direction.]

you win.

2011-08-05T01:01:00.000+08:00

i'm leaving before it swallows me whole again.

so here is this to questions without answers

people without faces

names temporary associated

distances

and everything else that vanish with time

[#25]

draft #1

2011-07-16T11:04:00.000+08:00

And so it began somewhere in between one thing and another-- like things that will always mean something to us, its’ taking form can only be seen in retrospective.
The arrival was subtle, gentle. Like the afternoon breeze.
It was an event that would’ve meant nothing to the wandering eyes, as they eyed the event unravel itself in its’ utmost delicateness. Like a hawk’s eyes missing the transformation of a caterpillar into butterfly, the owners walked on without hesitation, for such incidents have no relevance to them.

They, we call the others.

The time was 0025 +8GMT.
The silent road stall mamak witnessed a bickering between two lovers; starting with the woman in white requesting a pinch salt for her tasteless serving of food. The young boy to her left, with looks younger than his age, shook his head in disagreement, as he let out a soft sigh.

The woman, we call her Wendy.
The young boy, Peter.

The random stranger, unknown.

These three, we call them.

competency.

2011-07-10T23:20:00.000+08:00

failed once. failed twice. failed thrice.
i think i've grown tired of trying over and over again.

[test. test. 1. 2. 3.]

awakenings.

2011-07-10T04:24:00.000+08:00

the coward that i was

sitting in front of my computer

refreshing the screen as time passes by

asking myself not once but million times why

was i not there with them.

one death. tons injured. more than thousand were captured.

小劉說。

姑且勿論其政治意圖與內幕，能夠參與如此“和平請願”，“三大民族，無分你我“的示威遊行，看著友族同胞，互相照應，有那麼一刻又一刻的感覺，讓我一次又一次的動容。或許話可以說的輕鬆，字可以打的輕快，但一個和平示威並不是能做的如此容易。或許Bersih還有其他的弊端。至少，在那三萬人裡，華巫印，都做到了它堅持的“stay calm and peace."
You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result” - Mahatma Gandhi
不要說這只是一場平白的示威，不要說這有多麼不為人知的政治手段，請你，請你看看，理解這以外所達到的力量。

respect to those individuals who participated in the rally.

may this be a new beginning towards a better Malaysia.

[首次感覺到自己是一個馬來西亞人。]

the kiss.

2011-07-10T03:19:00.002+08:00

It was not until I saw a puzzle of this painting that I realized what you've fallen for.

it wasn't love at first sight,

but stunned I was.

and I took a moment to what you'd do.

"Oh my God. The Kiss!"

conflicted.

2011-07-09T19:16:00.001+08:00

i am

lost

between

heartaches and tears

together with

wee bit mixture of

responsibility and my choice of destiny

my childishness has cost us too much,

i agree.

and so dear life,

i stand here alone.

arms wide.

embracing it all.

without him her it they them us

in her words,

i am a square who (too) wishes to be a circle

so shatter me

smoothen these edges

and give me the courage to journey again

[weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning]
[so remember. remember this, remember now. every emotion, thoughts, sensation that you're experiencing. and don't forget to breathe.]

aku pindah rumah :)

2011-01-01T04:54:00.000+08:00

bai bai.

and to 2010,

thanks for the ups and downs

the reunions and goodbyes and meeting with new people and the getting to know people more

最後

至：我愛的男人女人們，

[李自學，陳鳳琪，朱韻珊，劉秦霜，葉國文，林勝瀚，黃玉瑩，郭華慧，周佩儀，林慧嫻]

慶幸這365有你的痕蹟:)

未來也請多多關照

(translation)

thanks for leaving your mark in 2010 :D

and yoroshikuu for 2011

hee.

oh.

[deviantj.wordpress.com]

2010-11-27T17:43:00.000+08:00

這是一陣陣模擬量可同可有可無卻讓人痛徹心扉的無言。

1740

[there is an evident effect of silence on the feeling of loneliness :)]

i'll tell you a secret :)

2010-11-17T18:35:00.001+08:00

i miss you.

[is life treating you well?]

2010-11-13T09:41:00.001+08:00

merdeka.merdeka.merdeka.merdeka.merdeka.merdeka.merdeka.

[in misery, you die.]

2010-11-11T12:15:00.000+08:00

還有很遠，還有很久。幹。

and every choice waiting in line is another dilemma of the wary prisoner

2010-11-11T12:09:00.001+08:00

i deleted the lengthly post that i typed out for you.

it would be better for me just to provide you with a countdown.

2 days, till the judgement.

[i shall, in my very best, destroy your world with utmost elegance.

for your elimination from the food chain says nothing about you, but everything about me.]

destiny.

2010-11-02T11:24:00.000+08:00

every human, prior to they're own becoming made the decision that they would use their whole life to prove their own existence.

note to self.

2010-10-16T03:19:00.001+08:00

learn how to communicate.

another relapse into the emptiness.

2010-10-14T00:25:00.000+08:00

content is the fool who has chosen a side without understanding that there are more alternatives yet to be found.

ham kar chan.

2010-10-13T20:51:00.000+08:00

yes.yes.

i'm the only one without the boyfriend and exams and apparently the only one with the most flexible time table.

the insoluble problem.

2010-10-06T15:51:00.000+08:00

this point of life,

i really wish for a ctrl + z.

[於是他們所處的世界將他們吞噬。

and they live happily ever after. ]

if you read this.

2010-10-01T14:14:00.000+08:00

[if you know this was meant for you.]

I soaked myself in the rain.

I asked why.

And then I wished I was able to cry.
but I ended up laughing instead.

[hi.this is peter pan looking for wendy.where are you? ]

2010-09-29T23:20:00.000+08:00

don't let them know you're afraid.

[shh.]

于是我将身体摊在沙滩上，等待窒息。

2010-09-28T14:03:00.000+08:00

很多时候

我觉得能为你做的永远都差那么一些些

然后然后

我们都不完美

[这反复的命运让人纳闷]

lol

2010-09-11T06:24:00.000+08:00

還真抱歉

女人該有的心思細膩我沒有
男士該有的風度也沒有
女人該有的溫柔我沒有
男士該有的果斷也沒有

所以才淪落到如今田地吧？

心領了
感恩

nammo

2010-09-06T02:22:00.000+08:00

i promise i'll be a better friend :)

仙履奇緣

2010-09-01T23:29:00.002+08:00

I need a narration
a description

of who you are

so I could find you amongst the faces
and catch hold

firmly

before the moment fades away

其實早知道

2010-09-01T20:19:00.000+08:00

就這麼辦吧

我將心臟捧握與雙掌

待心碎的那一刻便徹底放手

你說，好嗎？

[我一百項秘密中的第一項。]

most of august.

2010-09-01T04:13:00.000+08:00

take advantage of what i take pride in
and leave me with a suicide hotline number when thoughts of ending my life slips in

gently, softly
you kill me from within

[exaggeration.]

2010-08-31T19:24:00.003+08:00

“When 99% of people doubt your idea, you’re either gravely wrong or about to make history.” Scott Belsky, Founder of the Behance Network.

2010-08-23T17:53:00.000+08:00

‘The noblest work in education is to make a reasoning man, and we expect to train a young child by making him reason! This beginning at the end; this is making an instrument of a result. If children understood how to reason they would not need to be educated.” –Rousseau, Emile

2010-08-21T01:53:00.000+08:00

they will listen to no excuses, so be better.

2010-08-18T22:24:00.001+08:00

“I’m going to miss you when you go.”

“I will miss you too, but you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God’s place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things.”

“Yeah. I am going to take stock of that. You know I am. I want to tell you something. From bits and pieces of what you have told me about your family, your mother and your dad…And I know you have problems with the Church too… But there is some kind of bigger thing that we can all appreciate and it sounds to me you don’t mind calling it God. But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines through you.”

--Into the Wild

irony runs in the family

2010-08-16T16:29:00.000+08:00

Things to do:

1. Graduate
2. Find a job
3. Move out

Dearly beloved, if you’ve lost your heart. I’d say this.

2010-08-14T22:52:00.000+08:00

Thank you consumerism.
Thank you industrialism.
Thank you James Bond.
Thank you Barbie.
Thank you Fahrenheit.
Thank you Lady Gaga.
Thank you modern media.
Thank you not-so-democratic democracy.
Thank you Bill Gates, Steve Jobs.
Thank you Forbes.

And last but not least, thank you twisted mentality.

I feel the warmth of your welcoming.

[sarcasm +] concept of this post - a tribute to the abovementioned items, forming my reality of the 21st century. [/sarcasm]

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond

2010-08-11T18:19:00.000+08:00

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond

any experience, your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me

though i have closed myself as fingers,

you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and

my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,

as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals

the power of your intense fragility: whose texture

compels me with the color of its countries,

rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes

and opens; only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

--- E.E Cummings.

the indescribable feeling.

2010-08-11T05:32:00.000+08:00

很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛很痛

2h37

2010-08-05T17:25:00.000+08:00

when even the silence is too loud.
you start to wonder if you've seen death shadowing you at the previous corner.

all your moves narrow down choices available, leading up to that final door.

checkmate.

[Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.-author unknown.]

Track 342 - 不是嗎。每個人都曾經是，是，或將會是另一個某人生命中的陌生人。

2010-08-04T02:59:00.002+08:00

[張雲京 - 壞了]

perhaps it is fate
that some of us would never be able to grasp the concept of loneliness
whereas some of us would have grown too familiar with it

[沒有人值得。
就算待你也得小心什麼時候會將心給砸了 =) ]

whodunit.

2010-07-24T03:25:00.000+08:00

The liver in distress killed lungs and surrounding organs. Leaving it with only a couple of teeth, its tongue, one left eye, nothing left around the area that was supposed to be the nose, a heart with zero heartbeat, and no brain.

Needless to say, it was dead.

So what killed it?

[바보]

15 minutes.

2010-07-06T23:56:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I'd just sit and stare.
With my blatant unwavering gaze, I'd think to myself.

How i envy that bond they have.

That belongingness.

Moments later, someone within that group would sense something.
With his or her inquisitive nature would attempt to seek for the source of this disconcert.
And then our eyes would meet.

Eventually, we would rest our eyes upon one another.

Then, with a hint of astonishment and suspicion that person would lower the head and start talking to the one sitting beside.
Within seconds unsettling whispers would succumb and dominate the whole table.
One head after another would turn and lucidly place glances upon the stranger i call myself.

And then, i would.
After half a second of hesitation, break into smile.

親愛的，我僅有的純真在你的善良面前徹底瓦解。

2010-07-01T22:24:00.000+08:00

什麼時候開始我們看見了距離。
又是什麼時候開始距離融入了生命進而演化成一種不擇不扣的現實。

我們是時間的孩子，我記得你說過。終會離開母親的懷抱續而被遺忘。或將彼此遺忘。
相比之下你更相信後者。
死亡距離太遙遠，太難以猜測。
反之，記憶的容量終究有限。

“不是嗎。每個人都曾經是，是，或將會是另一個某人生命中的陌生人。在臨死之前，幾乎每個人都會將一生曾經舉足輕重的人都給遺忘。雖然可悲，但無可否認它會發生的可能極高。”

你的逻辑总能让我感到新奇。

“那被你遺忘的人包括我在内吗？”
“不晓得。但我不希望如此。”
心底不禁想，關於未來的話題你說話能否不那麼乾脆嗎。

其實我也不。
可現實總是事與願違。
不是嗎。

日夜交替之際。
又或者是夏日被黑帝斯偷走之時。
我們看見被拉闊的距離那間隔的場景，多麼美麗。
之後沉澱想想，或許這是天注定。
有些人得出現在對的時機填補你靈魂中些許的空隙，停留，之後離開。
剩下的是被殘留下的記憶，或許即將被時間點綴。

其實在你之前。
對於離別，我會選擇悲傷。

那是，在你之前。
嗯。

[______:
我想我应该是被潘多拉诅咒的灵魂。
将希望给遗忘掉的灵魂。
可夏日被黑帝斯偷走的季節里，值得期待的根本就所剩無幾。]

don't make me.

2010-06-24T13:12:00.003+08:00

I know. Your intention is to make me kill myself.

Happy now?

[boo you]

things you should know.

2010-06-22T03:13:00.000+08:00

i hate :
when reasoning doesn't work.
me.
you.
us indulging in this self pity that is so strongly embedded within.
you for not educating me out.
knowing boundaries exist.
feeling like a minority in every context i claim existence.
being alive.

you:
are one of the reasons i'm skeptic towards educators alive
are one of the reasons i believe people with authority are filth.
are the reason i am intolerant towards the people alike you.

[7]

if i survive you.
if i survive going back to me.

忽然之間

2010-06-08T14:34:00.000+08:00

媽的

i miss you :x

2010-05-15T15:35:00.000+08:00

他如此说。坚信的。
“哪天。我将会无比的完整。纵使是哭泣,快乐,遗憾,或疯狂都能一个人独立完成。再也不必流浪。And I would have no need to seek completion in anyone, anything, anymore. For I already am. ”

[chapter two - dear Gordot.]

兩天后，我們離開地獄之後換個姿勢邁向死亡

2010-04-28T02:30:00.000+08:00

時間說
我應該用寂寞沉澱這來歷不明的質疑
就算消耗一輩子的力氣也想找到嗎

patience.就兩天後

[i wonder why i'm here doing what i do
i remember writing the reasons down somewhere for occasions like this
but i've forgotten where i placed it.]

Love at First Sight

2010-04-23T21:56:00.002+08:00

They're both convinced

that a sudden passion joined them.

Such certainty is beautiful,

but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they'd never met before, they're sure

that there'd been nothing between them.

But what's the word from the streets, staircases, hallways --

perhaps they've passed each other a million times?

I want to ask them

if they don't remember --

a moment face to face

in some revolving door?

perhaps a "sorry" muttered in a crowd?

a curt "wrong number" caught in the receiver?

but I know the answer.

No, they don't remember

They'd be amazed to hear

that Chance has been toying with them

now for years.

Not quite ready yet

to become their Destiny,

it pushed them close, drove them apart,

it barred their path,

stifling a laugh,

and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,

even if they couldn't read them yet.

Perhaps three years ago

or just last Tuesday

a certain leaf fluttered

from one shoulder to another?

Something was dropped and then picked up.

Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished

into childhood's thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells

where one touch had covered another

beforehand.

Suitcases checked and standing side by side.

One night, perhaps, the same dream,

grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning

is only a sequel, after all,

and the book of events

is always open halfway through.

Wislawa Szymborska

but i live in the city.

2010-04-14T02:05:00.000+08:00

=[自由]- nYx / jiyu / it. -[自由]=carpe diem says:
*i filed a complaint on a group member
*an actual complaint to the lecturer wanting her to deduct marks
*2 years ago i would've just let it go

and would've just sat there grumbling about the extra workload.

[the truth is i'm scared of what i'm becoming.]

Track 343 - a tribute. to the lies, tears, and love we shared. (if any)

2010-04-03T22:47:00.001+08:00

[陳綺貞 - 失敗者的飛翔]
never have you understood me
never shall you understand
for never will you try

and i care not for what you think

so may peace reside within the walls that bar us apart.

but tell me this.
where are the voices that claimed to be just.
where are those so eager to disparage, so ever blissfully torment my conscious and tear apart my understanding of self when i wronged.

where are they now.
why are they shying away.

[“如果在世界上的頹廢，可以換來對自己的負責，那我寧愿對自己負責。”

i love you
you love me
we are happy family]

strike three.

2010-03-28T02:59:00.000+08:00

and you're out.

[you're as naive as the goldfish who thinks it can survive on land. honestly.]

but dear, i'm mad.

2010-03-28T02:51:00.000+08:00

色彩被吞沒之后我想起你。
灰色的第一篇詩章。
一整片的沉默中我聽見有節奏的你的呼吸聲。
之后我開始說話。

說些想對你說的話。

你說過隔空的對話有時候發生。
而我說過我相信奇跡。
所以讓我們暫且相信緊接下來的monologue中存有對談的成分。

“ "

[disconnected了之后親愛的你會不會淪落成為另一個是曾相識的臉孔
可my memory fails me too often。也或許我會將你忘記。
那就讓屬于你的畫面漸漸的變得零碎之后消失
再之后我會好好的
好好的活著

就照你常說的方式]
[Scene one.act one.]

trial and error

2010-03-24T15:27:00.001+08:00

this post serves as a reminder to be persistent for things you believe or know to be right.

regardless of being able to explain your reasons at that moment.

[strike two]
[that said, mouth, next time please pay more attention to what the brain is doing.]

track 344 - the bond is not blood.

2010-03-22T03:43:00.000+08:00

[silent g - depressed angel]

my heart, for rent.
for i have lost the ability to love you as you are.
心呀。就出走唄。
待我將那粉碎的臉拼湊起來的時候我們再從新遇見。

the change is evident, they say.
so i think this is goodbye.

那么。
dear you and you, bye bye.

[and i wish i could belief in people again :) ]

07.12pm 的太陽其實很刺眼。

2010-03-06T00:29:00.002+08:00

一次又一次的反復聽著同一首音樂有一次再一次的提醒著關于自己的無力感是發生的多么天時地利人和在沉默和陪伴之間的空懸之中傳遞些有的沒得問候之后望望窗外再看著白板接著問些有的沒的之后再假裝不在意當作沒有一回事對著旁邊的那一位笑笑聊一聊天其實看著手中的鉛筆不斷在紙上悠游不停之后不是不想去關心但是卻到最后發現有一道墻名字叫恐懼還要在你面前呈現態度上這落差有多大我到底在想些什么

AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN IT’S SCREAMING TO MY FACE THIS IS EXACTLY HOW LEARNED HELPLESSNESS WOULD BE AND HOW SUCCESSFUL I AM AT INDUCING IT TO MYSELF.

SNAP OUT OF IT.

[不開心 :) ]

on a continuum of weirdness skewed towards the negative extreme over a too long period of time.

2010-02-08T18:47:00.005+08:00

As Winnee have said,

"be sad about it for 5 minutes, and then get over it."

只是這一種不安重疊著心安理得的無所謂與焦爐。

讓人太過的手足無措。

this year.

i must.

[some things i just can't seem to understand why.]

reasoning.

2010-02-02T23:59:00.002+08:00

Premise 1 : Art is life.

Premise 2: Life is a bitch.

Conclusion : Art is a bitch.

2010-02-01T02:52:00.004+08:00

it's either i'm not at good working with people

or the people that i encounter are not good to work with.

take your pick.

i seriously can't tell which.

[我需要聲音轟炸耳朵來忘記這痛切心扉的罪惡感與無奈]

2010-01-24T04:44:00.002+08:00

chapter one

gloomy sunday

2010-01-24T03:36:00.001+08:00

i think i'm more used to talking to thin air.

我想我比較習慣與空氣對話。

Track 345 - the paradox of choice.

2010-01-24T02:58:00.005+08:00

[Augustana - Boston]

隨遇而安的理論頓時失效
我們在這社會所規劃的藍圖里面拼了命地逃脫
卻擺脫不了被生活預設的脈搏
靈魂一點一滴被时间消化
瞬間
青春消失不再
熱情不再

而凋謝的浪漫主義只剩下糖尿病患者熟悉不過的糖分

________________________________________

[親愛的
是我們走向文明的方向
還是我們被文明吞沒了去向

就算是垂死掙扎
也請你讓生命記得
理應是永恒的聲音]

2010-01-07T03:50:00.006+08:00

if such a day were to arrive

where we’d have to depart on our own journeys

ways separated

forget not

i’ve loved you before long

[langkawi]

Detour.

2010-01-01T02:18:00.000+08:00

When all of the stars are fading away

Just try not to worry

You’ll see them someday

Just get what you need and be on your way

And stop crying your heart out

親愛的。

我懂。

[I wonder if you have a list of new year resolutions as well : ) ]

it's not you, it's me.

2009-11-25T03:20:00.002+08:00

如題。

[empathy.]

[is precisely something i lack.]

Track 346 - Hi there, I have a request of you. Would you mind killing me within the next hour?

2009-11-12T03:43:00.016+08:00

[Miyavi - Selfish Love]

Because the ambiguity of the situation has stimulated too much fear,

and consequences remain unknown.

I'd rather die by the hands of a stranger than to face such humiliation.

again.

[i wish. 所有的痛苦與煎熬都將進化成我們所期盼的樣子。]

and then

我們

開開心心去郊游

好嗎?

Track 347 - ?

2009-11-09T22:54:00.003+08:00

[Lady and Bird - The World Is Gray]

它點了一根煙。

深深的吸上一口。

之后，不語。

沉默感受著。

身體開始回溫，思緒開始清醒。

那飽滿。

________________________________________

“我的感情，你們沒辦法了解。”

“你可以嘗試說給我聽啊。”

“不需要。我不需要，也不想要別人了解、寬容，或認同。你也一樣，要開始習慣用自己的價值觀生活。”

“嗯。”

“讓我告訴你一件事，不管在馬達加斯加，還是在任何一個地方，都不要忘記。”

“什么事呢？”

“你要學會對自己坦誠，絕對坦誠。”

“對自己坦誠，絕對坦誠。”

“如果在世界上的頹廢，可以換來對自己的負責，那我寧愿對自己負責。”

“這就是我送給你的禮物。”

--朱少麟，《傷心咖啡店之歌》

________________________________________

它一直期盼著能成為那樣的人。

可在實驗終結前的5分鐘，隨后的2個小時內，和星期六的點頭嗨與掰之間

以及種種的因素和線索提供。

它頓時發現那只能是遙不可及的夢想。

對于jealousy這一個字眼。

它無比的寬容。

就任由那情緒慢慢滲透腦袋，心臟，腎，肺，直至身體的每一個部位。

都感染著著一種綠色，不存善意的。

因為不能無所謂。

所以它自責。

[the agony and the ecstasy.]